The White Lotus Effect: Why Women Should Fix Each Other’s Crowns Instead of Breaking Them

I once had a friend smile at me—polite and perfectly pleasant—and say, “Wow, do you ever slow down? I don’t know how you manage to keep up with everything.” She intended it as a compliment. I think.

But the tone? That slight tilt of her head? The way she lingered on everything just long enough to make it sound less like admiration and more like… concern? I knew exactly what she was saying.

Not “You’re so accomplished.”

Not “That’s impressive.”

Not even “I admire your dedication.” (Though, let’s be honest, sometimes even that can feel loaded.)

No, what she meant was:

“I bet your personal life is a disaster.”

“She works so hard…but at what cost.”

“Something has to be falling apart behind the scenes.”

And the most frustrating part? It came from another woman, the very person who should have understood the weight of expectations, the impossible balance we all try to maintain.

If you’re a woman who has ever dared to be ambitious, you’ve likely encountered this before. And if you’re from the South, like I am, you know the dreaded phrase that often follows:

“Bless her heart.”

For those unfamiliar, “bless her heart” is a Southern expression meaning, “She’s a mess, but we’re too polite to say it directly.” It is the verbal equivalent of a backhanded slap accompanied by a smile and a glass of sweet tea.

And let me tell you, successful women hear a lot of bless her hearts.

• “She’s done so well for herself! Bless her heart, I hope she doesn’t regret missing out on family time. (Because clearly, no man has ever worked hard and also had kids.)
• “She’s so independent—bless her heart, I suppose some people simply don’t need a partner.” (Since prioritizing a career must imply that you’ve entirely given up on love.)
• “I admire how much she pours into her business. Bless her heart, I just hope she’s taking care of herself.” (Because a man working 80 hours a week is considered ‘driven,’ but a woman doing the same must be neglecting her well-being.)

These aren’t just observations, they reinforce an outdated narrative that tells women that their ambition should always come with a trade-off.

And it’s time we stop playing into it.

The White Lotus Mirror: Recognizing the Subtle Undermining

If you’ve watched this season of The White Lotus, you recognize this behavior immediately.

It’s in Kate’s backhanded beauty critique of Jaclyn: “Did she sandblast her face? It’s very waxy,” followed by an unconvincing, “She’s still gorgeous.”

It’s in the way they gossip about Laurie’s struggles, murmuring: “Her daughter has become a bit violent… She’s already changed enough schools to turn heads.”

And it’s in their judgment of each other’s careers and relationships, as they speculate: “It looks like Laurie didn’t get the promotion she had been vying for… which is sad because she gave her entire life to that firm.”

This is what we do when we don’t know how to handle another woman’s success, struggles, or even choices. We don’t ask questions—we assume. We don’t celebrate—we dissect.

And while The White Lotus may be fiction, these dynamics are all too real—in boardrooms, at social events, and even in the carpool lines.

The problem is that it’s not just a few women doing this—it’s ingrained in our culture.

Beyond the Motherhood Trap: CEOs of Companies and Households, Unite!

It’s not just the subtle digs disguised as compliments. It’s also the way we judge each other’s choices, especially when it comes to motherhood and career. We’ve created this artificial divide: the CEO of the company versus the CEO of the household. As if one role somehow negates the other, as if success in one area demands failure in another.

I’ve seen this firsthand. As a mom of two and a CEO, I’ve navigated both worlds. I’ve felt the sting of judgment from those who assume my career ambitions come at the expense of my family. And I’ve witnessed the subtle (and not-so-subtle) pressure on stay-at-home moms to downplay their accomplishments, as if raising amazing humans and managing a household weren’t a full-time job in itself.

And let’s be honest, sometimes my “CEO of the household” skills are questionable. My recent attempt to quickly “air fry” some orange slices (instead of, you know, actually dehydrating them) resulted in a minor kitchen fire — a testament to my sometimes questionable culinary judgment. Ask me to whip up a gourmet meal, and you’ll likely be met with a panicked stare and a takeout menu. But hey, we all have our strengths. Mine just happen to lie elsewhere.

We need to stop judging each other’s choices and celebrate the diverse ways we contribute to the world. Whether you’re leading a company or a household, whether you’re a master chef or can barely boil water, we’re all making a difference. It’s about owning your choices, excelling at what you do, and recognizing the value you bring to the table – whatever that table may be.

The Shift: What If We Actually Started Fixing Each Other’s Crowns?

Lesson One: Compliments Shouldn’t Come With a Side of Critique

Let’s revisit those “bless her heart” moments for a moment. Those backhanded compliments—the type that make you feel nearly celebrated but not entirely—are more prevalent than we’d like to acknowledge.

It’s as if we can’t fully celebrate another woman’s success without adding a caveat, a qualification, or a subtle reminder that perfection is elusive.

We’ve all heard it:

• “She’s such a strong leader—definitely a little intense, but that’s what it takes, I guess.” (Because heaven forbid a woman be decisive without a personality disclaimer.)

We want to think this is all harmless, but it plays into a much bigger issue. In a study of over 23,000 performance reviews from 250 companies:

• 76% of high-performing women receive negative feedback, compared to just 2% of high-performing men.
• 88% of the feedback about the women focused not on their work, but on their personalities.

Too assertive. Too soft-spoken. Too direct. Too accommodating.

It’s exhausting. Men are judged on their results. Women are judged on their demeanor.

So what if we flipped the script?

What if, instead of subtle jabs, we tried something radical—genuine support, without conditions?

• Cheering, without caveats. “She’s amazing.” Full stop.
• Helping, without hesitation. If you know something that could help another woman succeed, share it.
• Celebrating, without competition. Another woman’s success doesn’t mean you’re failing.

“The worst thing that we can do as women is not stand up for each other, and this is something we can practice every day, no matter where we are and what we may believe. It is both possible and, more importantly, it becomes powerful to come together in common purpose and common effort.” Oprah Winfrey

We are more powerful together. The next time you see a woman winning, choose to fix her crown instead of questioning whether she deserves it.

Lesson Two: Shatter the Scarcity Mindset

Let’s be honest, somewhere along the way, many of us internalized a limiting belief: that success is a finite pie, and there’s only so much to go around. That another woman’s achievement somehow diminishes our potential. This scarcity mindset, my friends, is a trap. It keeps us small, divided, and prevents us from reaching our full potential.

We monitor one another. We impose impossible expectations upon each other. We diminish ourselves, downplaying our achievements, out of fear of making others uneasy. We softly say “bless her heart” instead of “congratulations.” We subtly remind one another that excessive confidence, ambition, or success poses a threat to a woman.

And the numbers paint a stark picture of this reality:

• Women hold only 23% of executive positions, 29% of senior management roles, and 37% of manager positions globally—despite making up nearly half the workforce.
• Only 10.4% of Fortune 500 CEOs are women.

We’re fighting for scraps when we should be building a bigger table.

As the great Ruth Bader Ginsburg said, “Women belong in all places where decisions are being made. It shouldn’t be that women are the exception.”

And here’s the truth:

• Success is not a limited resource. Another woman’s achievements don’t take away from yours. They often pave the way for even greater possibilities.
• You don’t have to play the game if you don’t like the rules. We don’t need to perform ‘modesty’ to make others feel comfortable. Own your accomplishments, celebrate your wins, and let your light shine.
• A true leader doesn’t just climb—she builds more rungs. If you’ve made it up the ladder, reach back and pull another woman up. Mentorship, sponsorship, and allyship are not just buzzwords but essential tools for creating a more equitable and inclusive workplace.

Let’s shatter this scarcity mindset and embrace a world of abundance, where every woman has the opportunity to thrive and succeed.

And yet, we’ve internalized the idea that there’s only one seat at the table, so we start tearing each other down rather than pulling each other up.

Men don’t have to tear us down—we’re too busy keeping each other in check to notice they’re the ones still running the game.

Lesson Three: From “Bless Her Heart” to “Boss Up!” — A Radical Shift in Mindset

It’s time to rewrite the narrative. What if, instead of subtly tearing each other down, we became each other’s biggest cheerleaders?

Women who confidently lead don’t need to diminish another woman’s success to feel secure. They understand that there’s enough success to go around, and they actively support other women on their journeys.

Think about the women you admire most. Are they the ones who hoard opportunities, whisper criticisms, and secretly delight in another woman’s stumble? Or are they the ones who build others up, offer support, and celebrate every win as if it were their own?

We need a radical shift in mindset. We need to move from “Bless her heart” (with all its underlying judgment) to “Boss up!” – a phrase that embodies encouragement, empowerment, and unwavering support.

Here’s how we can start that shift:

• Challenge the “Tall Poppy Syndrome”: Recognize that celebrating another woman’s success doesn’t diminish your own. Instead of cutting down the “tall poppies,” let’s create a field where everyone can bloom.
• Become a Mentor, Not a Micromanager: Provide guidance and support without judgment. Share your knowledge, connections, and experiences to help other women succeed.
• Embrace Collective Success: Understand that when one woman wins, we all win. Celebrate those big and small victories as if they were your own.

A Call to Action: Rewrite the Rules, Fix Each Other’s Crowns

Here’s my challenge to you:

• Amplify, Don’t Undermine: The next time you see a woman winning, celebrate her authentically. Please give her a genuine compliment, free of any hidden barbs. If you hear someone whispering a “bless her heart,” speak up. Silence is complicity.
• Self-Reflect: And if you’re the one tempted to offer a backhanded compliment? Pause. Ask yourself: Why do I feel the need to qualify her success? What insecurity or limiting belief is driving this behavior?
• Be the Change: Let’s break free from these outdated narratives that pit women against each other. Let’s create a culture where we celebrate each other’s wins, offer support without judgment, and build each other up. Let’s be the generation that rewrites the rules.

Because the truth is, there’s room for all of us at the top. It’s time we start acting like it.